Detective Kisame: Deep Sea Detective
by Muse Lord Mai-chan
Summary: WORST CASE SCENARIO! Itachi's very secret diary has been stolen! Join Detective Kisame and Itachi as they try to figure out the thief! Come and vote inside! First attempt at a CRACK FIC!
1. Chapter 1

I've come up with an idea! Worst Case Scenario, Akatsuki Style!

Shikamaru: Troublesome. You always come up with ideas.

Lee: That's the Spring of Youth!

Kiba: Well, let's see it!

Kankurou: (still avoiding Shikamaru) Yeah, er, lets see it.

* * *

It was a sunny day, the birds were chirping, and Itachi was screaming. Wait, Itachi? Screaming? Is that possible? 

Inside a very secret Akatsuki Base was a very secret room. In this very secret room was located a very secret chest. What was supposed to be in this very secret chest was a very secret diary. But now, it was very secretly missing. Just whom did this very secret diary belong to? A now very unsecretly screaming Itachi.

"Itachi-san! What is it?" A certain blue skinned Kisame appeared from his own very secret room.

"Oh Kisame! Someone has stolen my very secret diary!" Itachi remained looking stoic and unemotional. So much for devastated.

"Oh my fishes!" Kisame gasped. Everyone knew that stealing Itachi's very secret Diary would result in Itachi going nuts. And everyone knows what will happen if Itachi goes nuts.

Itachi pulled out a random craziness meter, designed for Uchihas. The bar began to slowly rise. "We have five hours left, oh no!" Kisame cried. "This calls for…" Kisame disappears.

After dramatic music, Kisame reappears from the shadows, dressed in his normal Akatsuki cloak, but he now had a monocle, a detective hat, and other detective items.

"This calls for… Detective Kisame: Detective of the Deep Sea!" Kisame tapped his hat.

"Alright Itachi-san. We have many choices. There is Sasori, Deidara, Zetsu, Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Leader-sama. One of them has the very secret diary!" Kisame made a good guy pose, with a wave crashing behind him, a glowing sunset in the background.

"First, we shall go to Kakuzu!" Kisame pointed to another very secret room; the very secret dining room!

Kisame led Itachi into the very secret dining room. A huge figure was towering over the two, even though he was halfway across the room. He was whispering to his partner, the very religious Hidan. They seemed to be plotting something, but Kisame took no notice.

"Ahoy, fellow Akatsuki. I have some questions to ask." Kisame waved to the two.

"What do you want, fish boy." Kakuzu, who had teal skin, with his Taki headband holding a cloth over his head, only allowing the casual onlooker to see the upper part of his face, seeing as the lower half was hidden behind his collar of the Akatsuki cloak.

"I was just explaining to Kakuzu the importance of religion. Without Budda, we may have been stuck in our dreadful villages all our life, with no Akatsuki to cheer us up!" Hidan preached. He was waving his little charm around. "Come my Akatsuki friends! Join me in prayer!" he kissed the chain the charm was attached to, closing his eyes.

"That's okay. So tell me, where were you ten minutes ago?" Kisame pulled a notebook out of nowhere, a pen following.

"We were in the kitchen. I was getting a tuna sandwich, while Buddha Boy here was preaching to me." Kakuzu growled.

"So… They both have a witness… I will return… You're both still on the suspect list…" Kisame backed out of the room, glaring as much as his fishy face would let him. Itachi followed. He began to twitch a tiny bit. Kakuzu and Hidan went back to their… Scheming.

"Alright. Now that we have those two off the list, for now, next we'll go visit…

A) Deidara

B) Sasori

C) Tobi

D) Zetsu

E) Leader-sama

* * *

Okay, here's what everyone is to do. Vote on one of the above in a review! So, lets say you want to see Sasori next. Just review, and put in your review, at the top or bottom, the letter choice. You can include who it is if you want. The character with the most votes in two to three days will make an appearance in the next chapter! Each chapter will be short, though, due to not being able to set it up ahead of time.

Shikamaru: You know this is going to get troublesome, right?

Lee: But the more "troublesome", the more the Spring of Youth is involved!

Kankurou: I think it sounds like a good idea.

Kiba: Review and vote everyone!


	2. Zetsu

Well now! After a very close vote between Deidara and Zetsu... The winner was...

* * *

"Alright. Now that we have those two off the list, for now, next we'll go visit…" After a dramatic pause, with Kisame bowing his head so his face was in the shadow of his detective hat, Kisame looked up his face looking sexy and serious. He stopped all of a sudden, thought, murmured something about fixing his face, looked back down, looked up again with a cheesy fish face, and finally spoke. "Zetsu." 

Itachi gasped, feeling quite faint. The craziness meter, somehow sticking to his forehead upside-down, was slowly falling, but that's only because it was upside-down. If right side up, it would be rising. But if it were sideways, it would be going sideways… and if it were sideways the other way, it would still be going sideways. The things that never make sense.

Kisame nodded in sorrow. Everyone knew that Zetsu was very secretly a cannibal. How else did he get rid of the bodies so well? And who likes cannibals? Why, other cannibals, of course! "I bet… He stole it… in hopes of luring you to his lair, so he could cook you slowly in a tiny microwave, Itachi-san. No matter, Detective Kisame is here! We'll find the very secret diary in no time!

Suddenly, Itachi did something, showing that he was beginning to loose it. He cracked a grin. Kisame almost died with fright right there! For what's scarier than seeing a crazed Uchiha cracking a smile? A crazed Uchiha laughing, of course!

"Hurry, Itachi-san!" Kisame grabbed his cloak and led the way to the very secret… Greenhouse!

The very secret greenhouse was located just outside the very secret Akatsuki base, just beyond a very secret line of trees and a very secret hill. Kisame and Itachi peeked in to see Zetsu himself, coaxing a plant to grow.

"Zetsu! Where were you an hour ago?" Kisame called from the safety of the door. He was sure the plant man would love to have fish flavored human for dinner. And he wasn't about to be that fish flavored man.

"Shark Flavor." Itachi coughed. "Stop thinking out loud."

Kisame looked at Itachi all serious-like. "Itachi-san, now is not the time for-"

"What do you mean, where was Zetsu an hour ago?" Zetsu growled in a light, fairy like voice.

"Zetsu was out here growing his very legal plants." Zetsu growled again, this time with a deep, female like voice with a hint of man.

"And just what is this very legal plant?" Itachi asked, the grin still on his face.

"Weed." The light fairy voice responded.

"No, its Pot!" the deep voice growled. The voices began arguing with one another.

"Weed!"

"Pot!"

"Weed!"

"Pot!"

Kisame gasped. "Oh no!"

Soon, Zetsu was trying to punch himself. And all because his two different personalities couldn't figure out that Pot and weed were both marijuana.

"Aren't they the same thing?" Itachi suggested. Suddenly he hiccupped. And he began to laugh. Like. A. Little. Girl.

"Oh my fishies! Itachi's giggling!" Kisame about died right there again. How could this be happening?

"Hey. Fishy." Kisame then noticed. Everything had gone silent. Turning slowly and painfully, he saw at fifteen foot Zetsu towering over him.

"I'm Hungry."

Only after excreting a smelly yellow liquid and grabbing a giggling Itachi did Kisame run.

Back at the Very secret Akatsuki base, Kisame and Itachi stopped for breath. They had run over the very secret hill and through the very secret line of trees as if there were no tomorrow. And if Zetsu caught up, there wouldn't be any tomorrow.

"All… Right… Ita… chi…. San… Next… We'll… go… see…"

A) Deidara

B) Sasori

C) Tobi

D) Leader-sama

E) A randomly passing-by Lee

* * *

Okay everyone! Vote for the next character! Remember, you can only do so in a review! And we all luff reviews...

Shikamaru: I still think this is troublesome.

Kankurou: Oh get used to it, we're here more than you are.

Kiba: We're supposed to be talking about the fanfic, you guys.

Kankurou: No, we're just here to waste room and entertain.

Lee: Yosh! Review and Vote!


End file.
